I still got a year and 4 months to write on this steaming pile of sh*t site so I might as well…

As I sit here at a FarFucks and write down my frustrations with this Blog "hosting" service that I PAID for but doesn't seem to want to post anything without me having to pay a LOT more I can't help but want to scream till my voice is gone but I won't give those assholes the satisfaction but I will recommend that people find another service that is essentially free and when you find it won't you tell me too????

Wow this FarFucks has really good sandwiches and blueberry scones! The ice coffee is mediocre but passable. I really don't mind the reggae playing in the background while the two person crew is cleaning up an hour earlier than what they should be I guess because I'm the only customer typing on his big old fat ass Dell laptop. I would have used my smaller "netbook" but one of my roommates broke it - luckily it isn't all that expensive but it still bummed me the fuck out. I bought it so I wouldn't have to lug around this 20 pound behemoth and could then write ever more discreetly and not worry that some barista would get pissy and ask me to leave even though I spent $15 on drink and food just so I wouldn't feel guilty for using their pretty okay "free" WiFi. I guess I'm just old fashioned that way like I still have to use a mouse because fucking track-pads are shit and skip around while I'm trying to put down profound fucking shit, ya know? I can't believe - no wait - yes I can, that this stupid "Premier" blogging sites on-board dictionary doesn't have the word "pissy" in it. I made sure that it got entered before I get too pissy for my own good. It stills amuses me that most all word processor apps and writing tools with dictionaries - damn this blueberry scone is good! - either don't include or refuse to include cuss words, curses, common Spanish surnames/or say all foreign surnames are misspellings! It pisses me off! Well I've almost finished my wonderful blueberry scone. I have to say that their coffee isn't the best. When I'm in San Francisco I now go to Peets or Bulldog coffee. I only go to BearBucks (the one in the Castro that was named by IBR Attendees in 2009 or there abouts) for cruising and meet-ups. I've scored there quite a bit but my regular died about four or five years ago. God I miss him. A power bottom if ever there was one. His last boyfriend and I played a little but we were emotionally and intellectually on different planes of non-existence. San Francisco has radically changed over the last decade but I still love it, wish I was there now. The Big Turkey is a fucking bummer and a half. I'm considered too fat here and REAL bears are scarce as all fucking hell. What's a "REAL" bear, you ask? Great question but this is all in my own non-humble opinion - a REAL bear will always have a beard, none of this, "Being a bear is an attitude!" Fuck you and the whore bitch you rode in on!! Beard WITH a fucking mustache! I despise mustache-less beards!! They look stupid as all fucking hell!!! NO! Ah FUCKING HELLZ NAH!!!!!!!!!

How to Manage Your Vanity

Even though I’m going to stop blogging on this shit posting site in a year, I have things to say.

To whom it may concern, incite, displease, enlighten, delight, diminish, replenish, enrage, engage, bore, give the hiccups to, cause the hiccups to stop, frighten, calm etc. etc. etc. I have noticed that most self help advice is bullshit and does little to help and more to cause dependency so most self help authors/publishers can make money off your misery and vanity. I did say “most” because there have been a few out there over the millenia that genuinely had your/our best interests at heart BUT very few and many were not of timeless value. My number one antagonist in this arena is/are religious texts that had no real scope or understanding of context and certainly not for evolution of body and mind. Texts, by their initial nature, do not really mature or evolve. Anymore, set in ink is almost synonymous to “set in stone” as many early forms of writing were exactly that. There were no really quick or easy ways to make corrections or revisions without either breaking the stone or clay tablet or having to start all over again with a “clean slate” and make sure the copier remembered where the mistakes all were on the original. I’m sure it was done like this but mostly they got tired of either sledging with a chisel or having to drag a pointed stick through the mud – er- clay over and over and over to the point where they couldn’t be bothered anymore and gave the fuck up!

Since the time of papyrus and various forms of writing fluid came along, things have slightly evolved – at least now we can blame our mistakes on auto-correct, even if it is to blame, no one is so stupid as to make the exact same mistake numerous times without at least wondering if something was wrong with their thought process and not with their buggy WP app. “app” now there’s an ambiguous little snippet if ever there was one. Of course WE, that is the Royal We, have been thoroughly informed that in this context it stands for “application” as in a computer program meant to execute our writing whims by way of electronic manipulations first imagined in Zeds and Ones then translated into more complex “languages” that come closer and closer to our spoken/written tongue, as it were. Who remembers the buggy, ugly – buggly? text editors (sorry, I won’t be covering punch card systems as they don’t look pretty enough to be sufficiently recalled) rendered on ghastly acid green monitors of little swole definition and almost unreadable, followed by the equally buggly one line LCD displays attached to electric typewriters and thus priced astronomically high so few could afford them AND then more monochrome madness from newly marketed “home computers” or PCs (alright that should have been written as Personal Computers but most persons of the early 80s eschewed that title for some odd reasons or other but kept the letters P and C…) which seemed to improve and confuse at the same time the art of processing words more comprehensively(?) You had to read thick volumes of user manuals to understand how to input punctuation marks or redo, edit(?) lines of mistyped text, and even then you needed twelve hours of instructions just to learn how to turn on the damn program, save your writing and turn off the said damn program without pulling your hair out, cursing some divine entity’s supposed name, well mostly their designation really OR smashing the overly priced monitor to bits (back then MANY people mistook the monitor for being the actual computational component of the machine rather than it’s visually rendered-in-light output{don’t bark at me about punch cards AND YES there were printout terminals along with punch cards which were actually an INPUT medium!! STOP YELLING AT ME!!!}) A short while later someone got creative and made visual machine output with more than two colors and all hell broke loose! Now we could color our “page” as well as those letter thingys – I think they’re called “fonts” (oh Odin please don’t get him started on fonts!! PLEASE!!!) and the variations and combinations became vast and grossly complex, but I degrade (almost to the point of decomposing – actually more like smelling pretty ripe and not funky fresh anymore…) – I’m WELL past the point of digression, thank you very much.

I Guess I’m Just Writing This For Me…

I remember having done the Artists Way workshop about 3 times and each time it never got easier but somehow that was the whole point. It isn’t meant to be easier because if it was then it wouldn’t build up your resolve nor your creative “muscles”. Easy stuff rarely builds much of anything other than habit. With out resistance there is little work to be accomplished. But on the other hand if there is too much resistance there’s loss of hope and failure seems the only inevitability rather than another form of muscle building resistance. There is the whisper of “Balance is the key………” in the wind of change.

I’ve almost finished a slight tome (not a tome really but it gets a bit off balanced now and then so it seems like a tome) – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. It starts off great then vears of course towards the end by contradicting itself and setting up unreal expectations plus it’s heavy handed with straight, white, cis male arrogance through out. I find it is just a rebranding of Zen Buddhism mixed with hints of Taoism seasoned with heteronormative anecdotes throughout. Yes a lot of it is basically applicable to most human foibles and no it isn’t applicable to ALL human experience. I’ve known Lesbian and Gay Buddhists, some Zen masters i.e. “enlightened” (what the hell is that?) and many others still struggling on the road, as it were. I guess no one really gets it right but there is a tendency to bend or misquote certain ideas and or tenants to fit a narrative that doesn’t quite fit a lot of experience i.e. the author quotes a Buddhist bit of doctrine that says you must kill yourself daily – metaphorically but the quote I remember is If you meet the Buddha on the road you must kill him. This idea that “self” is BAD and no-self is GOOD has gotten out of hand. The ego – the self – is important but should never be more important than any other component of the Real self. The false self – egoism is the “other” identified part which makes up, for the most part, the personality or human user interface – being “nice”, “polite”, “social”, “kind”, “non-offensive”, “non-aggressive”, “politically correct”, “social justice initiative” etc. The Real self or Real Ego is what you know by actual experience and not just by what books, teachers, gurus, parents, learned peers, friends TELL you who you are or are SUPPOSED to be. Without a Real Self you can’t know how to be truly Selfless. It is the Real Self that sees you with “eyes that do not love you” – honestly, without filters or blinders. A lot of it can be “harsh” or “unlovely” but those are also labels of “love” or judgements not based in objectivity. My best understanding of objectivity is knowing that I’ve gotten something wrong but that wrong isn’t a curse but a responsibility to learn from so I can be correct the next time and know that that won’t stay the same either. The Self is evolving, the false self is not and can be corrected ONLY by the Self. The false self can either assist or impede the Self but there has to be a Self before that can happen. And I have to admit that my coming to this “understanding” is because I dared myself to study outside the lines. I sought “outside” help. I cannot evolve strictly on my own. I need to acquire some tools and materials to keep building, repairing and, at the right times, deconstructing my Self.¬†

Pride and STILL Prejudice

My first GLBT (this is the old Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Transvestite moniker – that we were identified by in the mid-80s) Pride March/Event was in 1984 – Albuquerque Pride and I was 26 years old, slimmer, slightly buff (my legs were extremely buff!) and full of hope and optimism. Boy has a LOT changed since then.

Now I am a Bear – large and not as hairy as I would like to be, diabetic, hypertensive, not really all that buff any more and tired of the continual homophobia/heterofascism. More about this later…

Well it’s a lot later and I’m tired of social media that seems to cater to young, skinny ass white, straight males and their female counter parts.

And along those lines in the LGBTQ circles – twinks, fat-shaming-muscle Nazis, ageist and/or racist assholes. I still can’t understand the racism rampant in mostly the gay male culture. My old tagline from my far past college days was, “I’m the UN when it comes to mens!” So many beautiful, sexy men of all ages, body types, ethnicities, and skin colors. This is seen or heard about a LOT less in lesbian circles but I’m sure it happens some even with them – I don’t really know because I’m not a woman or a lesbian but I’ve seen a lot more inclusivity with women and lesbians in particular. There is another topic for another post and I WILL explore it with as much sensitivity and honesty as I can muster.

Do I still believe in showing LGBTQ pride? You bet your bippy I do! I have shed most of my naivete and know that I still carry some bigoted baggage that requires work on my part. Everybody is wonderfully flawed and perfect at the same time and though I’m not as open as I was when I was younger I am bit wiser and willing to explore with precautions – what I’ve learned that is NOT acceptable or tolerable any longer i.e. racism, heterofascism (homophobia is not strong enough any longer!), sexism, genderism etc. however – there needs to be tolerance for those who are ignorant due to misinformation and upbringing who WISH to unlearn intolerance and rejection and relearn tolerance and acceptance for those not like themselves. I have absolutely NO tolerance/acceptance for funny mental (fundamental) “Christians” “Muslims” “Jews” fascist “Atheists” anti-feminists or others who reject us and wish us harm. There are plenty of orthodox, accepting religious persons whom I will listen to and have meaningful conversations with.

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2018/2019 Movies I have seen and liked thus far include: Incredibles 2, Avengers Infinity War, Avengers End Game, Captain Marvel, Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse, Can You Ever Forgive Me?, Teen Titans Go to the Movies, Hotel Transylvania 3: Vacation, Rocket Man, and Spiderman: Far From Home.

2018/2019 Movies I have seen and didn’t find to my taste or flat out despised: Mary Poppins Returns, WonderPark(?), Missing Link, and Dumbo.

Movies that were pre-2018 that I saw and wished I hadn’t were: The Live Action Ghost in the Shell, Alien Covenant, Blade Runner 2049,

Movies I have yet to see that I want to see are: Akira, Tokyo Godfathers, My Name, and many more.

I hope most of my friends in the LGBTQ community have had a good Pride Month and that they keep on keeping on!

Sorry About That Rant! And Now for Something Almost Completely Different!!

I guess I’ll be ultra retro and try Tumblr. I’m keeping my Twitter account because I can TWEET from my desktop and laptop. I have that “mini” laptop which used to be called a Netbook back in the early 2010’s and as I said before, it is running Windows 10 home on a relatively slow ARM processor. I had an actual Netbook then and sold it to our school nurse because APS was too freaking cheap to supply our SPED nurse with any equipment so she had to run to the front office if she wanted to save her charts and orders. No worries, she was smart and retired from that shit school district along with a lot of other smart teachers, APE teachers etc. Yeah, I’m still kind of bitter but I don’t feel like going into it right now. Oh, I’m not bitter at the smart staff that got the hell out of there while the gettin’ was good but at some other folks who made my job then a fucking, living hell on Earth – called ADMINISTRATION both at the school and those “running” the district from the evil twin towers of terror!! Anyway…

I’m trying to enjoy my semi-forced retirement aka permanent disability vacation. I grew to despise SPED (look it up) and now want to write more. I kind of grew to hate writing ’cause I had to do a lot of it that was pure bs and not very fun along with going to hundreds of meetings a year to hear how bad we were and if we didn’t get on the ball we would be replaced – HA! The fucking joke was on them! No one wants those shitty jobs – hell they had to beg a lot of us to stay during the big recession or at least our immediate supervisors did because if there were too many unfilled SPED positions, they would get let go. Would you look at that! I went back to my former topic. “BAD, SPED/teacher! I hope this gets better ’cause so far it’s been a load of bs.

I have never really liked the “It gets better!” campaign because sometimes it doesn’t. I’m not much of an elder gay man cheering-on the “YOUTH” I don’t want anyone to fall into despair or to feel they have to commit suicide but sometimes a celebrity going all Rah Rah on young LGBTQ, or for us older farts, GLBT asses really isn’t gonna do much – some – but not much. The “Show” has got to become the “Be”. We are human beings, not human doings… to misquote some obscure but thoughtful Guru somewhere. It still amazes me that most educated adults in America still don’t know what the root of “human”, humor, humanity, humility, humiliation” is. It’s easy but so common that most of us bypass it… Go on, take a guess – except for you Etymologist/Semanticists/Rhetoricians/Taoists/Zen Buddhists know-it-alls! A lot of English teachers don’t really know it off the bat either. Okay, it’s “humus.” Good old earth, soil, dirt, dust+, ground. We are ALL of the earth/Earth aka human and our first order of being is, well, just being. Earth to earth and ashes to ashes. And yes we are golden and star dust because everything for we humans began in the heart of some or a bunch of stars, billions of years ago. No one book or set of books can ever capture who we really are, where we’re from or what is our purpose or if, indeed, there is one. I know science is real and much of it is explainable but I also know, for myself, that there is something before and beyond science that I can’t explain to but a few who have had many similar experiences and yes I know I will be called a “believer” in “Woo!” Oh well then. I do indeed understand the scientists objection to most religions irrational and overemotional response to being – rules from an invisible god or group of gods that can convey some sense of reality but can’t really explain it without becoming petrified – metamorphosed into stone – dogmatized. If what they believe – that “God” is a rock-the same yesterday, today and tomorrow then “He” is truly dead. “God” is no longer dynamic, living, evolving.

What has all this got to do with gay/lesbian etc. youth in hopeless despair? Well to those whose belief in a fairy tale invisible sky daddy who for some reason writes or “inspires” books to be written with tons of rules that only the elite of his faithful can determine which ones to enforce i.e. those pesky 10 (or more) commandments, and the parts of books that tell you to kill those who don’t believe like the ancient Hebrews did, yeah! I’m looking at you Leviticus! and ignore the ones in that very same book that also impose a sentence of death i.e. wearing mixed fabric cloth, eating shellfish, well then I see why LGBTQ youth are saddened and see no real future. If it is truly to get better, then we adults that have “made it this far” need to BE the real example of what getting better is all about. That getting better isn’t just for the youth either – we oldsters are often thrown away to make way for the young. It doesn’t have to be that way either. And where we can begin is by separating the wheat from the chaff – the nutritious stuff from what we can’t digest.

Well I Finally Deleted My Fucking Instagram Account!

I hate most all Social Media!!!!!! FaceFuckBook fucked me over one too many times and then stole and sold my personal information to advertisers without my permission or anyone else that THEY did that to. InstafuckingGram makes you use ONLY your fucking phone to post photos which I hate using my phone for. Why the fuck can’t you take photos then download them onto a desktop and then upload them to InstafuckingGram from there?????? My issues are with trying to look at that fucking tiny screen and text – hate texting- using that fucking stupid on screen “keyboard” that fucks every other letter up making it worse to try and add captions etc. Well I tried their fucking stupid piece of shit product and it failed ME miserably. I can tweet from my computer so what is the fucking deal. The only social media platforms I have left are YouTube, Twitter and my blog.

I’m Still Here! Need to post most every day!

Stephen Sondheim is still freaking alive! Anyone who knows Sondheim will get my title right away for you other heathens – it’s a reference from Follies a musical about aging Vaudeville performers trying to stay relevant in the latter half of the 20th Century.

Are my theatre roots showing?? What kind of dye do I need to cover those??? He hehehehe!

I have some gaming news. I would like to have a section devoted to gamers like me, what I call “Lamer Gamers”. Those of us, young or old, who just don’t play video games very well but still like to play them. Most “pro” gamers are twitch crazy youngsters who only like to compete so they want games to be super hard. We Lamer Gamers like to explore without dying every five to 25 seconds because the mechanics to win means we have to press 20 million buttons or triggers within a span of a micro second in order to defeat an enemy or jump across a casm without falling to our gory deaths. Of course there¬†are those who can’t walk and chew gum at the same time who can drive an automatic shift vehicle unless they are trying to walk, chew gum, text yelp, listen to overly loud music, be sarcastic with their imaninary significan “other” or scream at another driver who just cut them off because they were too slow due to the above concurrent activities.

Lamer Gamers like some “walking simulators” but hey, we’re action junkies too! I play most all AAA titles on EASY mode though I’ve done some Half-Life mods on “normal” and “hard” with a little difficulty but mods are game-play-bait, if you make them too hard, no one will want to play your mods, too easy and no one will want to play them either. There is a “sweet spot” for mods (by mods I mean G Mods {Gary’s Mods} or Russian Rip Offs of Half-life or it’s game engine) and modders usually target tje best Lamer Gamers, which is not saying much but hey, you gotta start somewhere AND Fan boys (still a sexist term but it’s iconic now so whatya gonna do??) The twitch-aholic super competitors won’t waste the time unless the modders have put in super-sweet-ass weapons, insane maps and promises of ironically off-brand product endorsements. They are not even interested in boobs unless the boobs fire RPG rounds or lasers.

Being a senior gay man – a Sextagenarian Polar Bear (60+, overweight, hairy, oldster with mostly white hair and full beard) I’m pretty much left out of the prime gamer demographic i.e. 8 – 32 Year Old BOYS (most all females are left out as well and not just bitchy SJWs who can only cry crocodile tears and whine about the “…unfairness of it all!!” Still haven’t seen HER indigame entries let alone AAA titles. Make the damn games you want to see made and stop slapping the hands of all those post pubescent to way past post adolescent boys, they have more than just a D-pad to wangle with that hand!) There have been some games made for the gay male crowd i.e. Strange Flesh and Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator (there are a couple others but they are elusive in tracking down or Steam just dumps them after awhile).

Strange Flesh is an indi title along the lines of 16 bit bare hand fight simulators like those of the classic Capcom arcade era but with butch, presumably gay, punk, BDSM and average Joe gay bar types. You play a hunky street wise bar tender out to enlighten average Joes in the ways of man-to-man sex through cigar smoke filled kisses and beating any man, dog or other “thing” who tries to get in your way. It is mostly sarcastic “butch” camp but most Bears will find it funny, especially when our hero kicks “twinks” to the curb and brings average Joes to orgasm. It’s all in dirty good fun.

Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator was, at least I thought it was going to be, an okay game but the “Daddy” part ruined it. Most of us gay dudes are NOT going to settle down and have children, it’s nice that some do or would like to but it’s not my dream. MY dream DADDY is childless by choice and into ME as his TOP pappa BEAR. I usually don’t like guys younger than forty and I have MANY KINKS as in BDSM – mostly SM and I like talking to persons of all genders and likes who are intelligent and articulate. Most twinks are dumbasses and most of the guys who like them are equally dumbasses. That’s why I’m a BEAR with a BEARD. I wear what I like. I like black leather so I wear it! I like black harness boots so I wear them! I like harnesses and leather suspenders and leather hats etc. SO I WEAR THEM! Then, of course I like other colors so I wear those as well! Whew! all those exclamation points – they wear a guy out. Thought I was going to use another exlamation point, didn’t ya? Tee Hee/Snicker. I got bored with Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator after about 45 minutes. I still have it in my Steam Library but I really don’t feel like revisiting it any time in the next decade. The art work in it is pretty good but the game play is like the worst point and click “adventure” computer game (think Leisure Suit Larry) crossed with an almost adult version of the classic 60’s board game for girls, Mystery Date! (There IS an exclamation point on the box of this drekky awful board game so don’t blame ME!) Ahem, there are Daddy/Dad’s that have geeky careers and those with, well, creepy careers. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

 

The title of my blog does have that little end tag of “…And Too Much Tech.” so I’d like to address that part. I have descriptions of each of my current computer devices (I guess I should include my phone but I’m NOT a big smart phone fan, though I do prefer NON-iphones over apple”s over-priced CRAP, and I do use a smart phone, though after my last Samsung Galaxy III (I don’t update every freaking year as I’m on a very fixed income), I decided to go with a very reasonably priced Moto G-6 (under 300 bucks and it packs a lot of good stuff almost comparable with either a high end Samsung or Asshole -er- Apple’s Shite phone line.) I build my own desktops, buy Dell laptops (that’s about to end – Dell, the Owner/CFO himself – not the company – has been pissing me off as of late), Samsung Tablets (less expensive and just as good as Apple’s Shite tablet line) which I use mainly for YouTube, email but NOT porn (and because I HATE texting or typing on a screen keyboard and I had bad experiences with blu-tooth separate keybords) and goofy netbooks from some French manufacturer called Thomson(????) it’s along the line of smaller Chromebook types but this one has Windows 10 – Home – yeah, I know I thought it was stupid too but the ones with the Android like operating systems where tens to hundreds of dollars more. It runs Windbloze on an ARM processor (look it up, I’m too tired to spell it out for you) and it’s not stonkingly fast but it’s serviceable – I’m wanting to use it for cafe blogging/email/some in bed porn viewing – I’m getting bored and annoyed with having to worry about my gamer chair getting skid marks on it while viewing Bear/Hot Daddy porn with my undies and shorts down around my ankles and that damned Dell 17″ Laptop with great graphics and a Ryzen 3 CPU running at 3.5 GhZ is too freaking heavy to lay on my ample belly while trying to fap and I’m afraid of getting lube all over the keyboard and touch pad… so I use my cute little Thomson which barely weighs two pounds and it’s okay graphics are good enough…? I’m hoping to erase Windbloze 10, after the warrenty expires, and replace it with Linux.

Here are some pictures – ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Enough Tech???? Ooops! I forgot my humongo Dell Laptop. Another time I guess. “Look Ma! No skidmarks!!”